Wei Ying has nightmares. Nightmares about everything — from barking dogs to the experiences and tragedies befallen in his lifetime, there’s a lot to scare him with.
His husband, Lan Zhan, witnesses the nightmares, or rather, the resulting aftermath. Wei Ying will sit up in bed, startled, breathing heavy and with beads of sweat running down his face and the nape of his neck. Lan Zhan sits up and pulls Wei Ying in close to his chest, rubbing circles into his back, listening as his husband’s breathing evens out. They don’t speak. There’s no need; Lan Zhan’s presence is comforting enough and speaks louder than any words could.
For the longest time, Wei Ying would try to hide his nightmares from Lan Zhan, brushing off his husband’s concerns, adamant that everything was okay. But the physical reactions were difficult to deny, so Lan Zhan persevered and slowly but surely managed to break the walls down. Now, when it happens, Wei Ying calls and searches for Lan Zhan immediately. Lan Zhan, for his part, is always within reach.
Lan Zhan always wakes whenever Wei Ying has a nightmare; he’s never been a deep sleeper and he’s grateful for it. He’s tried asking Wei Ying about his nightmares but despite being married, it is no easy task. When Wei Ying feels ready to share, Lan Zhan will be there for him. And should that day not come, Lan Zhan will still be there.
—
It’s always the unsuspecting moments when it happens. Wei Ying will be mid-conversation with Lan Zhan, reminiscing about an earlier time when things weren’t so complicated and his biggest concern was being punished by Lan Qiren, having to write out all the Gusu Lan sect rules. But it’s in those moments of reflection that Lan Zhan notices the spark in Wei Ying’s eyes fade and his cheeky smile drops. It’s subtle, and most people wouldn’t pick up on it, but Lan Zhan has had plenty of practice at reading Wei Ying.
When Lan Zhan asks him what’s wrong, Wei Ying often deflects the topic. But one time he breaks and that’s all it takes. He tells Lan Zhan of the phantom pain he experiences; remnants of the dangerous procedure he underwent to give his golden core to Jiang Cheng. Wei Ying says he has no regrets, and Lan Zhan knows he is telling the truth, but Wei Ying goes on to say that there’s this hollowness inside of him which he can’t quite describe. Lan Zhan never says it, for he doesn’t think his speculations would be helpful, but he doesn’t think the hollow feeling Wei Ying experiences is entirely from the loss of his golden core.
Because when Wei Ying died, Lan Zhan experienced that hollow feeling too, and that was with his golden core intact. And the truth of the matter is, Wei Ying has endured an awful lot to leave him feeling empty inside.
—
Seeing Jiang Cheng always makes for an emotional experience. Things between Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng are not what they once were, but little by little their relationship improves and forges a new path. It’s shown in the way that Jiang Cheng is no longer as terse with Wei Ying; there’s a smile hinted on his lips as he watches his brother goof around with up and coming Yunmeng Jiang sect students — something Wei Ying was forbidden from doing for a long time. Things would never be as they were, but maybe that was a good thing.
Initially, being around Jiang Cheng had been difficult. Wei Ying would see the wrath of Madam Yu reflected in his brother’s eyes. But when he would watch Jiang Cheng burn incense in honour of his parents, he could see the premature wrinkles around his brother’s eyes. No doubt the stress of having to take over command of the Yunmeng Jiang sect at a young age played a part in that.
Despite the improvement of their relationship, things are far from perfect; Wei Ying has his own demons to conquer. He tries not to dwell on the past, but every so often visions of Madam Yu grip him by the throat, her presence inducing a tangible guilt that threatens to choke him. Lan Zhan has witnessed these rare moments and never fails to take Wei Ying’s hand in his own, squeeze gently, and reassure him that everything is okay.
—
Wei Ying is renowned for getting up to mischief, so it is no surprise for Jin Ling when he arrives at Lotus Pier and sees Wei Ying hiding behind Lan Zhan — the man willingly protecting Wei Ying from a stern telling off from Jiang Cheng. It was one of those rare moments where Jin Ling took pity on his strict uncle.
Feeling rather cheeky himself, Jin Ling calls for his dog Fairy. Wei Ying’s eyes widen as Fairy rushes over to Jin Ling. Wei Ying frowns and whinges about how he can’t believe Jin Ling would be so devious. Jin Ling throws his head back in laughter while Fairy sits there wagging her tail, and Wei Ying almost falls, having to right himself against Lan Zhan’s back.
It’s just that, when Jin Ling laughs, Wei Ying really sees the resemblance between Jin Ling and his Shijie. The same look of unbridled joy; the same scrunching of their nose and crinkles around their eyes. He doesn’t realise a few tears are running down his face until Lan Zhan turns around and starts wiping them away, asking what’s wrong. Wei Ying just shakes his head and promises to tell Lan Zhan later. But for now, he is just overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to protect and nurture this boy his Shijie brought into this world.
How many times had Wei Ying dreamed about his sister’s death? In all honesty, he’d lost count. The nightmares always replay Jiang Yanli’s death, sometimes really slowly, as if to taunt Wei Ying. Wei Ying worries that he’s already beginning to forget what she looked like, what she sounded like. But while the nightmares are heavy, and often painful, he still appreciates seeing his Shijie’s face. Sometimes things can hurt but still be good.
—
Wei Ying catches up with Wen Ning whenever possible. They often talk about their shared memories at the Burial Grounds with the Wens. It’s hard but reflecting on the positive times makes it a little easier. Wen Ning reminds Wei Ying of the time he planted A-Yuan like a turnip and they both laugh at the memory.
Wei Ying often thinks about Wen Ning — is he happy? He doesn’t ask because he knows how Wen Ning will respond, the nature of his character being far too kind. Wen Ning would likely reassure Wei Ying that everything is swell. And Wei Ying supposes to an extent things are easier for Wen Ning now if only in comparison to before, but that’s not a great indicator given things couldn’t get much worse back then. However, Wei Ying sees the fondness on Wen Ning’s face whenever the man gets a chance to talk to Lan Sizhui and the other Gusu Lan sect juniors — the happiness practically radiates off him.
Every so often, Lan Zhan accompanies Wei Ying to the little vegetable garden the two of them constructed in Cloud Recesses and together they tend to it. They pick the fully grown vegetables and water the rest. Wei Ying remembers the eagerness and hope that spread among the Wens when they saw proof that their gardening could work in the Burial Mounds. It’s not much but the garden is Wei Ying’s way of remembering them.
The Wens will never know how much their love helped Wei Ying through the rough times. They were sunshine amidst a dark storm. Wei Ying wishes for a lot of things — but in particular, he wishes he could see them again.
—
There are quiet moments where Wei Ying just watches Lan Zhan as he plays his guqin, the calming melody from the instrument being all the noise they need. But it’s often in these moments that Wei Ying reflects on what Lan Zhan has endured. Wei Ying thinks about the punishment Lan Zhan readily accepted that left him with wounds that would take years to properly heal. It still leaves Wei Ying feeling overwhelmed, thinking about just how far Lan Zhan has gone for him, Lan Zhan’s back being proof of that.
When their relationship was only just established, Lan Zhan still insisted on hiding the scars, but over time Lan Zhan stopped hiding. Wei Ying never demanded to see the scars, but the rare moments Lan Zhan’s back was exposed to him, Wei Ying took the chance to pepper his husband’s back with kisses, infusing them with the love he felt. Lan Zhan had stilled the first time, but now readily accepts it.
Lan Zhan loves Wei Ying a whole lot, something that took Wei Ying longer to realise than it should’ve. But the feeling is most certainly mutual; he loves Lan Zhan so much and can’t imagine life without him now that he has him. Lan Zhan would argue that Wei Ying always had him, which may be true but back then Wei Ying hadn’t fully understood the depth of Lan Zhan’s feelings, or even his own.
—
Sometimes, or in Wei Ying’s case, a lot of the time, life is difficult and throws unpredictable obstacles in one’s way. Who was to know that the Yiling Patriarch, thought of as conquered, would be summoned by Mo Xuanyu’s sacrifice?
But now that he’s back among the living, Wei Ying still insists on living his life the way he wants to, but this time he embraces having Lan Zhan by his side for always; knowing that he doesn’t have to go it alone, that Lan Zhan will always be there, is something Wei Ying is grateful for — he’s just sorry it took him so long to see.
There are people he misses dearly, such as his Shijie and the Wens. And there are relationships that will never be what they once were, such as the one with Jiang Cheng, and even his friendship with Nie Huaisang, who Wei Ying knows there’s more to him than meets the eye. But even through everyone and everything he’s lost , a flicker of hope still shines through. He sees it in the way Jiang Cheng interacts with him; he sees it in Jin Ling growing into a decent young man who his parents would be so proud of; he sees it in the very existence of little A-Yuan and how he became Lan Sizhui; and he sees it every morning when he wakes up to Lan Zhan’s inquisitive golden eyes gazing down on him.
Wei Ying plans to make the most of this second chance life has dealt him. Of course, there will be times when he’s sad and misses his friends and family — that’s only natural especially given his history. But there will also be good times where he feels overwhelmingly grateful to be alive. The flickering flame that embodies the hope in his life will make sure of that and, over time, will flourish into something that cannot be so easily extinguished.